Collateral Damage

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12

The term, collateral damage, refers to an incidental or undesired act not intended for the target it affected. It occurs when a person is so engulfed with their emotions that the wrong person can pass at the wrong time and receive the short end of the stick. Emotions are difficult to comprehend--let alone are powerful--and we can lash out due to the ignorance of not knowing how to handle them properly.

I am guilty of this, and my mother would agree. She had to deal with my heightened emotions as I grew up (she still has to at times), and the amount of collateral damage that she received was intense. I may have failed a math test that day and when I got home, my mother may have asked what I wanted to eat, and I would hit her with a "Mom, I do not care," or "Whatever," when all she wanted to do was make sure I ate. Since I was having a bad day, everyone around me was afflicted. Was I aware of this? No, because I was too focused on my grade dropping in my class to care if my words or actions hurt someone.

This is simply an example of a minor occurrence of collateral damage. Some cases may be more severe; some cases may affect relationships with your community. I have been praying and reflecting on a blog entry to write about, and I wanted it to be something I am passionate about. The one line kept reappearing in my head over the last two weeks: hurt people hurt people.

Even typing those four words can send goosebumps all over my body. Because let's be so real, 99.9% of the time, someone hurts you because they are internally dealing with something negative in their life, not actually because of something you did. When my mother asked what I wanted to eat, she did not know she was stepping into a crossfire; but because I was so disappointed with my performance on my test, I had to live up to the image I created about myself in my head. I was down in the dumps, so I made my personality reflect that. And boy, was I so unpleasant to be around for my mother at the dinner table that night.

---

You are a product of your emotions. We as people need to be able to comprehend them, process them, sit with them, and make smart choices on how to go about moving forward. What happens to us does not define us nor should it determine our character. Although your day started meh because you forgot to plug in your phone the night before, it does not mean you should think, "Wow, today is going to suck," because guess what, you just declared what kind of day you are going to have because of the smallest inconvenience. Most of the time, what shifts our moods are things that we will not think about by the time of next week.

In Matthew 9:12, Jesus says, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick," referring to why he was sitting with tax collectors and sinners. As I read and interpreted this parable, those four words kept nagging me: hurt people hurt people. We should be able to give the benefit of the doubt to those who may not know how to handle their circumstances properly. Jesus was more than willing to treat everyone as His own: the ill-minded, the less fortunate, the damaged. Who are we to judge those whom Jesus would forgive, especially when we are one of the ill-minded, less fortunate, and damaged?

---

The reason why this topic is crucial to me is because I used to take everything personally. I based people's words and temper as a reflection of who I am; I felt the urge to resolve their issues for them and if I failed, I would beat myself up over it. My mindset was always, "They are not happy, so work harder to make them," and it was my biggest downfall. Because a little spoiler alert to those stuck in that revolving door right now: you cannot change someone who does not see a wrong within their actions. You can be there for them and be a shoulder for them to lean on, but to fix them is entirely out of your control.

I say revolving door because that is what it is: you will go in circles and drive yourself crazy because you cannot find an exit. Let's say you succeed and you turn someone's mood around, you will then unintentionally search for the next pessimistic person, get slammed by their collateral damage, and attempt to fix their viewpoint. You will focus solely on making others feel better while receiving all their backlash; you can fall into the unhealthy routine of placing people on a pedestal as you forget to prioritize your needs.

Do I think this is ultimately a bad thing? Of course not. Help those who need help; I will never advise someone to ignore someone asking for help in different ways than what we are typically used to. Some people are uncomfortable asking, so they reach out with despairing attitudes and harsh words. This leads me to the climax of this entry: have compassion.

Do not make it a habit; do not go in search of pessimism. However, when it comes across you--and it will--find a way to remember not to take it personally. The breaking point is when we take someone's attitude and make it a reflection of our own; that is when we get stuck in the revolving door. Instead, do not take it to heart. Acknowledge that they are simply in a bad mood due to something in their life, and shrug it off. My favorite saying to remind myself is, "Leah, you do not know the full story," because, in all honesty, we never do. We quickly assume the reason for their bad day is something we did, but five minutes ago, they could have stepped into a puddle and got their socks wet. We may have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time--collateral damage.

---

I had a recent trial and tribulation that I continuously prayed over. I was unsure what to do, how to approach the matter, and how to come to terms with my feelings. I wanted to shove my needs down and emphasize theirs. I was ready to do so; I had entered that revolving door. However, I found the exit pretty quickly when God adjusted the way I prayed. I was no longer praying about how to fix it, but instead, how to move on. The person's actions had no reflection on my character, and to forgive gave me more peace than convincing them and myself my feelings mattered.

In reality, the person's actions may have been hidden in their subconscious. Instead of becoming upset and disoriented, God placed a simple reminder in my head: He is in control. He was guiding this person and myself in the correct direction built for our lifestyle. Who was I to remain frustrated by something God had planned out? Who was I to depend on worldly validation? The point I am reaching for is, simply, to have compassion. Have compassion towards a situation or person you are unsure of. Half of the time, a person needs someone to sit and talk to; to explain their heightened emotions and not feel invalidated by doing so. If Jesus can sit and eat with tax collectors and sinners--people who go against Him--we can show sympathy to those going through hard times.

I am passionate about this topic because the world is filled with so much hostility and hatred. It feels almost like person vs. person, rather than people vs. evil. In reality, I make mistakes, you make mistakes, higher officials make mistakes, etc. I let my anger out in unfair ways resulting in myself walking away feeling even worse, as I am sure many others do. We are expected to make these mistakes. To understand that there are underlying reasons why people do so, and that it is not a reflection on who you are is a step in the right direction. You may receive the collateral damage, but before reacting and the situation worsening, remember that hurt people hurt people and reply to them with compassion and understanding.

---

Humorously, the two concepts counteract. Helping others may lead to emotional turmoil, yet do it anyway and have pity? Here are my key points:

1. Do not base someone's actions or words as a reflection of who you are.

2. Have a reminder you can whisper or reflect about when someone tugs your heartstrings. E.g. "You do not know the full story."

3. Hurt people hurt people; show compassion rather than judgment.