According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the term "nonnegotiable" means, "not open to discussion or reconsideration."
So, if you were to take anything from this entry whatsoever, it should be that the standards you have set for yourself and your future partner are not open to discussion or reconsideration; you should not settle for temporary wants.
Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life; love should not be one of them. Dream for an Insomniac
In 2020, I endured my first "heartbreak," which I place in quotations because the relationship was closer to a friendship than a romance; nonetheless, my heart was hurt, and my first non-negotiable list was brought to life. I learned about this technique via the internet, but I cannot remember the exact source--some sort of video maybe? Before I knew it, I had filled the entire page with a two-column list, stretching from top to bottom, outlining the qualities I vowed to seek in my next relationship. Mind you, I was 15ish, 16, maybe, so it is safe to say that I was not exactly sure what my standards were. After all, my sixteen-year-old self was completely uncertain about what she wanted, and that became clear over the years through the kind of love I allowed myself to accept.
I write this as if I am an expert, and that I am not, but I would like to believe I have more of a head on my shoulders than I did back in 2020. So much so, that I made a new list in 2023, and I am confident, two years later, that it continuously serves as a blueprint for the man God has in store for me.
I have decided to break this entry topic up using the 5 W's: Who? What? Where? When? Why?
Who?
Who should the nonnegotiable list be about? Simply, the partner you desire long-term. The list should replicate the person you wish to spend the rest of your life with, the co-parent to your children, and the person you would be proud to show off to your family, friends, coworkers, etc.
What?
What is the purpose of having this non-negotiable list? The purpose is to hold yourself accountable. In today's world, it's far too easy to get caught up in distractions, whether it's the temptation of sexual attraction or the pull of toxic behavior. It is easy to lower your standards to those who do not see your internal value, only your physical value. The list serves as a checklist and every. single. box. must be checked off--no "but he has a nice smile so this cancels out," or "but he can work on this so it's not a detrimental flaw," --nope, remember, it is not open to discussion or reconsideration. The excuses you make for someone may provide temporary relief, but this partner isn’t suitable for your future. Physical attributes fade; focus on someone’s heart.
Where?
Where should you begin regarding the writing process? Chances are if you are writing a non-negotiable list, you have been hurt in the past, and you want to avoid feeling that pain again. So, using your past, because that is what life is all about--applying your former experiences to current situations to grow from--is how you should craft your list. Think of how you were treated: What were you fond of? What did you dislike? What did you yearn for? What did you wish you never had to endure? Configure a list of however many characteristics you fancy but be sure to be raw and vulnerable. These are your standards we are talking about; they are important to narrow down to a T.
When?
When should you apply this list? When your heart is working harder than your mind, pull up your non-negotiables. Your heart will be blinded by what you need because of what it wants. I am all for listening to your heart, but in healthy environments where it can be taken care of. Make sure your list is checked off before putting your heart into the person's hands.
Why?
Why should I write my non-negotiables down? I get it--you can remember these characteristics and apply them without having them in a hard-copy version. I, personally, think the list will be more meaningful being written down. You can always revisit your checklist as you develop feelings, helping you to make a clear decision as you move forward. And when you finally meet the person who ticks all the boxes, you can go through the list with them, reassuring them that they are exactly what you’ve been searching for.
After making the poll, with "My Nonnegotiable List for a Relationship," being one of the options, I ran into a slight dilemma. The dilemma was the thought, "Do I really want to put my checklist out there for people to view and analyze?" I am an open book; I mean, after all, my blog contains the most vulnerable parts about me, yet I feel as if it is unethical to put my standards for my “perfect” image of a man online. The vision for my future husband is subjective; my version of “perfect” is not another person's. I decided rather than posting my entire list, I would share three of my biggest non-negotiables:
1. Child of God
2. Wants a family, family-oriented
3. Driven, wants to make something of himself
The beauty of this list is that it is yours and yours only. You are the only one in charge of who you let in, and who you wish to be with for the entirety of your time here. Be strict; be precise.
I know this is an overused saying, but it cannot be truer.
We accept the love we think we deserve. Stephen Chbosky
When we believe we deserve less, we settle for it. You must understand that you deserve only the purest, most unconditional love that replicates the love of Jesus. It is hard to find; the world is harsh with distractions--sex, alcohol, drugs, the pursuit of validation--which is why I encourage writing your standards down and holding yourself responsible. When a person is emotionally mature and ready for commitment, no amount of standards will turn them away. If anything, high standards should draw a person closer to you, as they reflect how you value and distinguish yourself. Let your list be thirty boxes long--the right one will check each one off. You are allowed to be picky; if there is one thing you should be most picky with, it is who you wish to spend your time and future with.
I urge you to create a love checklist. Leave those boxes untouched until you are certain, and you will know when you are certain, I promise. Love should not make you doubt. No list, however long it may be, will scare a weak man or woman away. Keep God at the forefront of your life, keep your standards high, and pursue healthy relationships. Pursue personal growth and aspirations until someone worthy enough comes along to pursue you. Because you are simply the best, and you need to believe it.