6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippines 4:6-7
I have mentioned in previous posts that I have a hard time talking about my struggles online. It is out of my comfort zone to be so vulnerable and not portrayed as this carefree, all-around happy person. In reality, there is so much more than just smiling and laughing on social media or with loved ones. I have a tendency to hide the pessimistic side of me because it is not "idealistic", yet it might be the side that most people relate to. Do not get me wrong, happiness overpowers more than sadness, but it would be inaccurate if I were to say I am this joyful person all the time. Everyone has their battles they face, and it should not be embarrassing or scary to own up to them. I created this blog to be real, to be a helping hand if someone were to be stuck; but most importantly, I created it to show progress within myself, and me speaking about my personal difficulties, is a big leap toward the person I am making myself to be.
Mental health has been and always will be so crucial to me. I have some friends and family members who suffer from certain cases of it, and I truly see the impact it has on their lives. For the longest time, I wanted to be a psychiatrist because the thought of helping those who need that substantial support was necessary. I was always the friend with the advice. Whether it was about school, relationships, family, religion, etc., I made it known to friends and family that I would be there to assist if needed. It was always a dream to be that person for someone until I started struggling myself.
My first real experience with anxiety started the summer going into freshman year. I found it difficult to trust myself and my mind. I hardly went out with friends and when I did, I would distance myself. It was such an unfamiliar feeling, but I could not control my head and it scared me. I convinced myself I was the worst person and I lost sight of who I was for a few months. I was not truly living, I was going through the motions. The only person at the time who knew my internal struggles was my mother, and I would not have been able to overpower my thoughts if it were not for her. She reminded me of who I was and encouraged me to fight that horrific lifestyle I was stuck in. Once high school rolled around, I became distracted by sports and academics, so the anxiety died down.
Overthinking is one of my strongest setbacks. If you were to ask any of my closest friends and family, they would in a heartbeat agree with me. They all have experienced first-hand all the silly questions I ask or my physical patterns when I start to shut down (fidgeting with my fingers, twirling my hair, bouncing my leg). This is one of the biggest, if not the #1 biggest, aspects I aim to change about myself. If I feel like I came across as rude, I will replay the conversation in my head about twenty thousand times before reaching out and expressing my concerns. If I feel unwanted, I ask the person dozens and dozens of times (until they get frustrated) if they still want me in their life. I create the worst possible scenarios in my head that would never in a million years happen, but I convince myself they will. I am not saying this to be "quirky", but simply stating how exhausting and perpetual overthinking can be. It creates a lot of self-doubt and uncertainty in one's life that may make drastic changes. This produces a lot of anxiety.
Facing so much anxiety, I began feeling down. I felt the most broken, but I kept up a front for friends, family, and social media. I never let my guard down, and even if I was having the worst day possible, if a friend looked at me and asked how I was doing, I would smile and say, "I am great, how are you?" to avoid awkward tension. By doing this, I started digging myself into a hole, an endless hole of loneliness. I was never heard because I never opened up about my internal issues. I would constantly ask myself why no one cared, but they had no idea what was even going on. I felt like if I talked about it, I would be a burden, but in reality, that was just my overthinking running its course. Social media is one of the most toxic things to exist, and I will show you why.
I posted this selfie with the caption, "just peachy:)" on January 18th, 2018, when my anxiety relating to emetophobia (my fear of vomit) was preventing me from eating.
I was not "peachy"; I could barely eat without feeling nauseous. I lost over thirty pounds in three months from this anxiety, but you would have never known by this post.
I thought that if I did not talk about it, it was not an issue. If no one could tell I was struggling, then I was perfectly fine. The mind is a tricky concept.
In this post, I captioned it "bare faced" with a sun emoji on July 18th, 2018. This was the summer before freshman year--when I had my first real anxiety experience.
The reason I had no makeup on was because ten minutes prior to my mother taking this picture, she was holding me as I sobbed to her about how broken and unsteady I felt.
Could you have known from my smile and the beautiful background, though? Of course not! The power of social media at its finest.
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