Evolve or repeat. Laura Sparkle
"Leah In Progress" was created to share my personal experiences, growth within myself, and advice to help others through similar struggles. I have touched bases with key subjects--beauty of love, friendships, ways of life. The one topic I have stayed clear of is breakups and the unpleasant heartbreak that follows. Not because I am afraid to reflect on it, but because it was such a raw subject when my blog started gaining attention. The topic is immensely important to me and I needed my thoughts to be clear so I can give my best insight to those who are struggling. Six months later, and I am confident in the way I want to go about sharing my understandings. Hardships lead to character development; if you are close to me, you hear this a ton. Every single difficulty you are enduring is furthering your maturity. Heartbreak is the strongest, and yet most vulnerable emotion. To overcome it and turn it into something so beautiful took me a great amount of time to learn, but it is the most rewarding feeling. Heartbreak, in a twisted way, had set me free. Let me tell you how.
I have had my fair share of heartbreak. Everyone goes through it, although I wish this was not the case. I am eighteen years old, so I am still quite young, but there is no age limit to advice. I had the whole shebang--fell in love, was convinced I met the one, and then it did not turn out the way I had hoped. It happens, but it is not about what happens to you, it is what you make of it. I was with a close friend of mine tonight and we stumbled upon this subject. She looked at me and said, "I am so proud of the way you handled everything, and that you took a poor situation and grew from it," and I felt a wave of contentment. The past few months have been all about my healing process, but I never really got to reflect and see how I grew from the beginning to the present until she brought it to my attention. Never would I have imagined to be in the state of mind that I am in now after my past, but I am taking my growth as an opportunity to help someone who cannot escape the repetitive, exhausting consequences of a breakup and a heartbreak because at one point in time, I did not think I would be able to.
I narrowed it down to five tips. Five concepts I practiced:
1. No Contact
"Leah, that is so impractical," you might think, and trust me, I would have agreed with you six months ago. The biggest advice and the most important is to lose contact. Nothing about a break up is easy; this is not supposed to be easy. However, you need to put yourself and your well-being first, and this is the first step. Social media is toxic. You will see things you do not wish to see or hear things on the internet that you do not wish to know about. You are better off removing them on all accounts to begin practicing independency and to begin your understanding of life without that attachment. I have seen both sides: contact and no contact. In almost every circumstance, when left in contact, it creates a messier, more problematic ending. The last thing I advise is this. The breakup in itself is difficult, do not make it linger. What is done is done; what is supposed to happen will happen. If it was not supposed to work out, go in peace and if they come back, make a thoughtful decision on what is fit for your timeline. The reason my breakup was not complicated was due to the no contact rule. It resulted in less mess and no drama--do not hurt yourself further by wishing to remain in their life in some sort of way, shape, or form. Start your healing journey on a steady note; it will help your peace in the long run.
2. Healing is Linear
No one expects you to be a-okay. I had this mindset that I was not allowed to be upset. Do not ask me why, but I tried maintaining a strong facade to avoid displaying weakness. Anytime someone asked me how I was doing, my answer always resulted in, "I am great, thank you for asking!" when in reality, I was dealing with a nagging void in my life. Then, on days where my facade fell short, I would become disappointed in myself because I was not the happy-go-lucky girl I was portraying myself to be. My advice: feel everything. Feel the hurt, feel the sadness, feel the discomfort. Scream, cry, listen to your sad playlist. You need to understand yourself to the furthest extent--the more you run, the more the uneasiness will weigh on your heart. As soon as I understood I did not need to be optimistic 24/7 and I was allowed to be down in the dumps at times, the more I got to know myself. The only thing I will contradict--do not stay down for too long. Yes, it is healthy to be one with your emotions, but do not wallow for days and days and days. You are much stronger than that. Never let a person have such a negative effect on your life; you have the opportunity to turn pain into growth. You will have good days and not-so-good days, but be patient with your healing journey. A little progress is still progress.
3. Replenish Your Body
The great thing about life: there is beauty all around you. One of the biggest concepts I directed my attention to during my breakup was "do things that make you feel alive". Basic, right? Let me elaborate. The gym was my best friend. Making my body feel strong made me feel powerful. I was constantly surrounded by friends, and they were all well aware of my situation, but they never brought it up unless I did. They kept me in check; they reminded me of my worth. Spend quality time with your loved ones; they will bring forth the love you deserve and desire. Music kept me sane. Finding lyrics or songs that related to my circumstance made me feel validated. I went on numerous, spontaneous adventures that created an idea for the life I wanted to make for myself. Two weeks after my breakup, I went on a hiking trip with one of my close friends. It was healing. I was engulfed by nature, exercise, and quality time with a loved one. Partake on something of the sort, I promise you will not be left unfulfilled. Read self-care books or listen to self-care podcasts. Turn yourself into your best version, so that your past can hardly recognize the beautiful human being you amplified.
4. Social Media? Never Heard of It.
Next to no contact, my break from social media was the other biggest assist during my breakup. If you know me, you know I am an extrovert. I love talking to people, whether that is in person or over the internet. I enjoy interacting with others on various platforms and seeing what my friends are up to. Like I said in the first tip, I despised the idea of no contact. Instead, I stayed off social media. I figured that I would take some time away for myself and then when the time is right, I will return to social media and feel content having my ex still on my pages. This was not the case. After two weeks social media free, I still felt unsteady and needed to partake in the no contact rule. However, the break from social media opened my eyes. I saw the world for all it offered--the birds in the morning, the timing of the traffic lights and how they almost lined up perfectly, families riding their bikes, deepening the quality time with my loved ones, etc. You see more when your life is not occupied by your electronic device. To capture pictures, videos, and everything in between, I used my phone camera, which had far better quality anyways. I gained some of my favorite photos this way, and would not trade the experience overall for the world. I kept in contact with my close friends over iMessage, and had no urge to log into my platforms throughout the fourteen days. They were the most peaceful, unproblematic two weeks of my life. I tend to focus on others far more than myself, and I knew I needed time to prioritize my needs. What better way to do this than to shut the internet off and become more aware of who you are? Try it out; you may be surprised with how little social media actually matters.
5. Be the Bigger Person
No revenge is revenge. I have never been one to exhibit anger or drama, nor would I ever want to turn into one who is known for this. Most of the time, people thrive off of reactions. Do not give them one. If someone is displaying acts of pettiness and adolescence, let them. It is not your job to resolve issues relating to their character. If there is an unpleasant situation, remember, it is a reflection of who they are as a person. There will be times where you want to confront and lecture them about the unjustly acts that they took part in, but they already know what they did was cruel. I promise you, if they are okay doing it, nothing you say will make them do a double-take. Learn to be satisfied understanding that a person will show you exactly who they are; be sharp enough to think, "I no longer want this person to have access to me or my peace". It is not your job to fix every situation that floats to the surface; be okay with walking away from things that no longer serve you.
I did not learn all this overnight. It took me awhile to get a hang of. I had plenty of nights drowning in self-pity and "what ifs", and as much as it was validating, it got me no where. You need to show up for yourself. Show the love you crave to yourself. You may roll your eyes and even close out of this entry when I say this (I would have six months ago because it is all I heard from my loved ones), but time heals. The reason why "time heals" is such a cliché and is repeated over and over is because it is true. All you need is time. The memories will still be apparent, but the pain connected to them will be unrecognizable. You will be so in love with yourself that you will question why you even put up with half of the things you did. Like I said, hardships lead to character development. Heartbreak is a part of life because it shows everyone what they do and do not deserve. It shows you what you desire in a relationship and what to avoid. It teaches you self-love and self-respect.
It took me six months to feel confident enough to even write about the subject. There is no time stamp on heartbreak. Feel what you need to feel--you are in no rush. It can be easy, it can be hard. Some people may not need to undergo the no contact rule or a break from social media, others may. Never compare your healing process to another's. There is not one ounce of me that regrets my past. I needed to love, I needed to share my love with this person, this person needed to understand what true love felt like, and I needed to understand that not everyone is capable of committing to such a powerful feeling. It is easier to be filled with spite from the past than it is to be filled with bliss. Like I previously stated, to turn pain into beauty takes great practice. Love is powerful, and to be loved is even more beautiful.
You are worthy of everything. Do not allow people to ruin your view on love. You will be okay. Take this time to learn about yourself and your capabilities. For now, be at peace and trust that what is meant for you, will find you.