To Heal, or Not to Heal

The universe will keep handing you the same lessons, the same relationships, the same type of love, and the same type of pain until you realize that the common denominator is you.

One of my good friends asked me, "What are your thoughts on the healing process," and to build off of that, "Specifically after a breakup?" I wanted to hit both topics, so I am dividing the entry into two parts.

1. The healing process

2. The healing process after a breakup

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The healing process amazes me in every way. The inclination that pain turns into beauty. The healing process should not be limited to breakups or hardships within relationships. It can be tied to mental health, family troubles, lack of faith, etc. It is a common misconception to wait until a breakup to start your healing journey. In all actuality, bettering yourself can begin at any point (and is greatly encouraged).

We sit in sadness because it is comforting. We know exactly what it will bring and what we will get from it. It is easier to feel sorry for ourselves during a difficult time than to fix the situation. Why? Because we are numbing ourselves from potential pain. That is what most humans do when faced with trials and tribulations--we use worldly things to distract us from our negative emotions. We scroll through social media, look for meaningless hookups, abuse substances, and sleep for an excessive amount; we do anything we can so we are not faced with the challenges in our lives. Then, we become surprised when worldly things do not fix our problems. They are not supposed to--you are.

My biggest take on the healing process, the real kicker, is to feel everything. Feel the sadness, the betrayal, your blood boil in anger, the disrespect, and any other negative emotion that the situation brought into your life. When you give yourself the chance to feel it all, you give yourself the chance to move on. The quickest way to get over it is to understand it. Understand the root of the issue, find solutions to overcome it, and do so. I say this as if it will happen with a snap of your fingers. I am here to reassure you that it will not. Growth, however, is stemmed from pain.

The healing process has its name for a reason. You will heal, but you cannot expect change overnight. It is, indeed, a process. That is where many give up. They do not see progress after doing something beneficial for themselves such as working out for one day, so they convince themselves it will never improve. One of my most memorable healing processes lasted almost a year. People preached to me, "Time heals all," and "It is not the end of the world," which has got to be one of the top two sayings that made me want to scream my lungs out. Afterall, I did not want to hear that it will get better, I wanted to be reassured that I would get what I thought was best for me. What I wanted though, was not what I needed. Each day, the situation died a little less. I found myself thinking less about it, and putting myself and my time first. Time truly did heal. A year went by and I felt like a whole new person. Little steps are still steps. I have said it before in my entries, and I will continue to say it, healing is not linear.

That has to be my best advice for anyone who is either beginning, struggling to begin, or in the middle of their healing journey: feel it all. Sit in your sadness, give yourself pity, cry your eyes out, scream for all I care, but after you feel, do something beautiful and fulfilling for yourself. Go on a walk, sit on a blanket outside, curl up and read a book, cook your favorite meal, or buy yourself a fun outfit. Do something that will make you believe life is as beautiful as it truly is.

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Being only twenty, I have not had as many experiences to go off as someone who is thirty or forty may have. I will probably have better wisdom on the healing process after a breakup if you give me another decade. However, I find myself wishing to go through my hardest breakup again. I sound crazy, I know, but let me explain. I thought I was at my weakest point, but in actuality, I have never been more mentally stronger than that summer. I had my eyes constantly on the prize: bettering myself for myself. I was not distracted whatsoever, nor did I feel any desire to entertain something that would jeopardize my happiness. I was in so much distress, yet I found satisfaction in the littlest of things.

I am a firm believer that you need to be in solitude to heal. You cannot depend on someone else to fix you; it never works. You will grow attached to them and trick yourself into thinking that you need that person to feel complete. Call me a cliche but, you have got to love yourself and appreciate your own company before anyone else's. Once you can love yourself the way someone else should, then and only then, should you allow love to enter your life. Never go in search for it. The right kind will come when you least expect it.

For the first three months of my breakup, I yearned to either be alone, with my mother, or with my best friends. I paused all my social media accounts (SO RECOMMENDED!), woke up early and went to a local park for an hour or two to work out or sit on a blanket, went to the gym, and spent the rest of the day with my closest circle. I did this for weeks upon weeks until the pain subsided. After a while, I no longer found myself wishing for him to come back but wishing for better opportunities for personal growth. I grew more of a passion for writing, attempted new hobbies, met new friends, etc. I opened my eyes to more possibilities to become a better person. Stop being blinded by what you want. Chances are that what you want is substantially negative for your lifestyle.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but again, I allowed myself to feel it all. My mother told me to spend three days; three days crying, screaming, hiding myself in my room, looking back at old pictures, etc. I am a sentimental person, though, so I gave myself two weeks. I felt it all--the pain, the anger, the hatred. After those fourteen days, it was time to regain control of my emotions and start prioritizing myself.

As you heal from a breakup, set time apart for yourself. Do not isolate yourself because your friends and family are going to be another big help, but make sure you spend time alone. Replenish your social battery. You need to be okay with being on your own. Once you feel comfortable in your own space, your thoughts and your actions will benefit. You will become more down-to-earth and see things for how they are. Solitude and vulnerability will be your best friends during a breakup, I promise. It is a scary concept, especially when you spent so much time attached to another person, but you are given this opportunity to reinvent yourself, do not waste it pining over someone who let you slip away.

Most of the time, during a breakup, people struggle with not having that constant person in their life anymore: constant communication, constant affection, constant company. They try and fill the hole, and get let down when they are unable to. The reason that they cannot find comfort is because the only thing that can possibly fill that gap is themselves, and some are not ready to sit in solitude.

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This all being said, I asked a few friends of mine for their inputs. I know during my healing process/breakup, I valued different perspectives from friends and family. Some of the people I asked actually helped me get through my most difficult time, so asking them for advice that they may have given me a few years ago was a full circle moment. In case you need that different standpoint or my words did not stick out, I hope one of these lovely people's advice tugs on your heart the right way and you can find some peace.

A good friend of mine told me:

"You can't heal a wound that is not visible--one that you cannot see--so you have to expose the things that hurt you and that cause you pain in order for them to actually heal. Healing is all about actually letting yourself feel and process without any walls up, so that way it does not come back to hurt you later. The whole healing process does not have any timelines and it is not linear. Some healing might take place later on and some healing might take place right after whatever event had hurt you happened. You have to give yourself grace as you figure out how to heal, too, because that is individual and everyone's experiences are different. The way that each person heals is going to be different, too."

You know how you can talk about a certain topic for hours and still not get bored of it? The healing process is one of those topics for me. So if you feel inclined to talk about it, I am all ears. I love a good, heartful conversation and hearing different opinions. Do not hesitate to reach out.